


The Italian Primer

by legarevirtuoso



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 12:18:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/900223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legarevirtuoso/pseuds/legarevirtuoso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lussuria is the worst Italian tutor in existence, but he does know a really good pick-up line.<br/><b>Prompt:</b>  I - 80. Ryohei/Whoever you want (cookies if you do Xanxus)- Misunderstanding; "Can I show you my shaft of light?"<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Italian Primer

**Author's Note:**

> I like macadamia nut. Also, this is the most crackish pair I have ever written. If I did it wrong, feel free to steal my cookies.

The motley crew of teenagers that form the new backbone of the Vongola Famiglia have learned many things in their time as Mafioso. Aside from the obvious individual paradigm shifts, they have come to a shared group consensus on how their lives are going to go.

Being a professional member of the mafia has become synonymous with seeing a fantastic amount of stupid shit in one’s lifetime. You will be shot at, lit on fire, thrown out of moving cars, thrown into moving cars, stabbed with swords and knives alike, become a time traveler, and generally forced into cohabitation with some members of the population that would be better off euthanized. Your life will have its moments (namely ceremonies, times when you’re allowed to hurt someone else in the name of stress relief, and any moment you’re allowed to get drunk on the famiglia’s tab) and then you will be rocketed back to where you started. The Famiglia will let you get away with an awful lot of things if you keep Omerta, but there is one thing you won’t be able to escape.

You will learn how to speak the language.

And so Reborn began the biggest training session in the history of Vongola. Of course, the Arcobaleno couldn’t be bothered to do more than train his personal failure of a student, and so he merely shipped the poor brats off to other people.

In a bizarre twist of fate, second only to the moment someone realized that toothpaste was better than spackling, it was this reason that lead to the current predicament.

Lussuria was a fabulous man, and to be perfectly honest a rather flamboyantly gay one that gave straight men convulsions, and he rather thought it would be a fabulous idea to be the one to teach one Sasagawa Ryohei (being the Sun Guardian and thus technically his successor to the position) how to speak Italian. And to do this he pulls out his family’s tried and true learning methods, carts the boy off to Vicavaro, and proceeds to throw him to the wolves that make that impressive town their home. There is only one real rule the boy must follow, and when he can manage it without tripping up Lussuria will send him home on the private jet.

All he has to do is only speak Italian.

The first week was nothing short of hell, a mess of fumbled syllables mangled by a foreigner’s tongue. But he tries his best and frantically dodges knives and other lethal implements, goes through an extensive daily workout where Lussuria makes him pay for each syllable with a hundred laps around the manor. Halfway through the second week Ryohei manages to thank a maid for fixing his shirt (“Grazie per la riparazione della mia camicia.”) in less than ten minutes and he considers it a smashing success. Lussuria in turn is amused by the sudden increase of favors being done for his student by the staff, and considers it a wonderful turn of events that the boy has stopped arbitrarily adding letters and mangling that beautiful language.

After a month, the various members of the Varia have come to the conclusion that Ryohei isn’t really speaking Italian. He parrots things he hears, matches the situation to the words used and simply blurts out whatever he thinks would fit the best. The maids think him a darling, and helpfully begin engaging in overly dramatic and enunciated encounters and conversations with each other. Squalo has begun calling it ‘Lussuria-brat Syndrome’ and notifies the staff at high decibels exactly how retarded they all look. Belphegor and Mammon disappear for hours on end and laugh maniacally at awkward points of the day, and the Varia has gone from Defcon Five all the way to Defcon Two in preparation for the resulting fallout. Ryohei is just happy to repeat as needed, and is extremely proud of himself for managing this far. Xanxus, on the other side of the spectrum, withholds his opinion and is merely content to live his regular life with limited interruptions from stupid teenagers.

A steady knock on his door interrupts his usual nap, and Xanxus takes a sip of whiskey before bothering to do anything about it. “Entrare.”

Having Sasagawa Ryohei alone in the office of the head of the Varia is about as weird of a moment as the man has ever had. But he takes it in stride and waves his hand imperiously. “Parlare piu forte, robaccia.” Another sip of whiskey, and Xanxus is somewhat looking forward to hearing this amount of abject failure.

“Posso mostrargli il mio pene di luce?”

And choking on his whiskey is not exactly part of his plan for the day, but Xanxus is in a good enough move to let it go. “Che cosa avete detto appena, robaccia?”

Ryohei scratches his head and wonders if this is precisely the best way to ask for training. Just because Lussuria can get all those strong looking Varia men to wander off to train (and really, Ryohei doesn’t get how his tutor could cause so much pain and walk out looking like a billion yen), doesn’t mean Ryohei can exactly ask it of the head of the Varia. The man has a schedule after all. So he closes his eyes to avoid seeing the man turn that interesting mix of colors, and asks one more time. “Posso mostrargli il mio pene di luce?”

“…Volete mostrarmi il vostro pene di luce.”

“Er… Si.”

“Brat. Who taught you how to say that?” There’s a hungry sort of look in Xanxus’ eyes, and Ryohei is pretty sure that Lussuria will die a painful death if he admits it.

“… Nessuno?”

“Hn. Ask in your own language.”

There is confusion and puzzlement, bewilderment and surprise. And then there is Ryohei’s face. “… Can I show you my shaft of light?”

The slow spreading grin and scars are all the warning the teen gets before the whiskey bottle hits him upside the head and knocks him over. At first all the teen can think about is the burning sensation of glass and alcohol digging into his scalp, but the sound of a zipper and unwanted cold air on his thighs is pretty much the only clue towards his current situation. After that the world goes white with sensation, searing pain and exquisite pleasure blended into one moaning and wonderful moment.

Ryohei learned an awful lot from those two months in Vicavaro, and the most important of them was that ‘raggio’ could be substituted with ‘pozzo’ and still mean the same thing but switching either of them with ‘pene’ would lead to burns on interesting places and a limping gait that couldn’t be healed without things thrown at his head. And if that wasn’t enough of a lesson, Ryohei learned that Lussuria had a different brand of training, and that Xanxus was more than happy to teach him that aspect of martial arts.  



End file.
